Blog Speak

My compulsions are getting out of control again. Last time they got this bad was when I was still drinking! Not heavily, but you know the cursory glasses of wine in the evening to unwind, a few extra on Friday because it’s the start of the weekend, Saturday night in town with mates and then on Sunday night the couple of wines solely to mourn the loss of the weekend and the impending working week.

This is what I love about Britain, we can turn any situation into a reason to have a quick drink! I’ll shout “The dogs ate some grass and thrown up on the carpet” my husband says ” Don’t worry love, you get that cleaned up and I’ll pour you a glass of wine to overcome the trauma!” That simple!

This time I can’t blame the booze though. So what’s going on?

As you may know I don’t drink alcohol anymore, a few months ago I wrote an article about Alcohol and how it affects my OCD. You can read the article under Alcohol short-term friend, long-term foe.

This article explains how alcohol for me basically destroys any control I feel I have over whatever OCD or Pure-O I am experiencing at the time, simply by magnifying the intensity, stress, worry and anxiety x1000, the morning after. I think it’s worse because when you are drinking and a little drunk you suddenly feel that your OCD won’t be that bad the next day because you can think about it rationally now and you know in that moment you haven’t done anything stupid or regretful. But of course this is never the case and even though you remember having this lucid clarity the evening before, you are now convinced that you did something stupid later into the evening or that your brain has decided to erase all of the memories of you being a complete an utter wanker, but only these memories nothing else. You believe that your brain hates you so much that it deliberately goes out of its way to lose all the key information regarding you being a drunken, offensive dick-head,  but somehow allows the mundane memories of the kebab shop, taxi home and waking everybody up when you got in, even brushing your teeth!

The fallout will cause my brain to spend a day/week or two, conjuring memories of awful things I might have said and done but have no memory of. My anxiety levels would hit critical.

Most OCD sufferers know (especially those who partake in alcohol consumption) that false memories, panic and seeking near constant reassurance from friends who were with you that night, plague you for days, even weeks. Sometimes they torture you for so long that even the hangover is a distant memory.

The best part is that hangovers are in addition to this crippling mental torture. Allow me to give you an analogy of a hangover, they are like toothache. Horrific at the time but once gone, you cannot remember the details of how awful you felt, the pain and throbbing in your face and jaw, shaking your brain to its core, all you can remember is that you felt fucking wretched, but my brain cannot recreate the complexity of how bad it was because for toothache and hangovers just break me.

I personally couldn’t cope with this anymore so eventually after nineteen years of torturing myself and hoping that one day I’d reach a point where I could drink copious amounts of booze, wake up the next day with virtually no memory of the previous evening and actually not give a shit. I realised I was never going to reach this personal state of Nirvana and that it was better that I quit the booze altogether. It only took nineteen years! Pavlov’s dog ain’t got shit on me!

This was September 2014. I was going through the usual panic, nauseating anxiety and ringing friends who were out with me to find out what serious offences I had committed – when I suddenly had the epiphany – if I survive this, with all my friendships intact, nobody wanting to hunt me down and beat me and still have a job on Monday morning (that was one of my major worries, that maybe I’d rung my boss and told him how much I despise the c u next Tuesday!) I there and then declared that…. ‘I’M NEVER drinking AGAIN!’

And I never have. Fantastic! I here you all say, ‘Well done Nikita, a positive step forward and very maturely managing your condition.’

Thanks everyone – before I collect this award for being a total OCD warrior I’d like to say a few words of thanks to the following supporters –  my brain for keeping control, Serotonin for being so adaptable and changing as and when required, Sertraline for staving off the chronic anxiety and compulsions, my liver and kidneys for beating the alcohol away from me, and last but certainly not least, my legs for not walking me to the pub and booze aisles in the supermarket, you’ve been a terrific team, so supportive and in all fairness I couldn’t have done it without you, this award is as much yours as it is mine. It’s been emotional.

However the buzz of the awards ceremony appears to have been short-lived as I have made a little discovery in last few weeks or at least I think I have. I now believe there are other substances that are part of my life that are a little insidious by stirring up my compulsions.

Currently I’m not entirely sure, so I’m on the seventh night of testing my theory, so once I’m completely satisfied that my theory is a right one, I’ll update the blog and fill you all in.

bye for now x